You don't need your gun to catch me
by itsjustyouandme
Summary: Starts after season 3. Maura struggles with a rush of old feelings that could turn everyone's life upside down. A battle between her head and her heart. What is love anyway?
1. Prologue

Hey All, this is my first shot at writing so please feel free to tell me your thoughts! Starts after season 3 finale. Thanks

* * *

"Have you ever thought about quitting?" Maura asked. She leaned her head back letting her neck rest against the arm of the chair, her feet sliding to rest on the side of Jane's thigh.

Jane shifted and lifted her feet laying them down on her lap. She sipped her beer from the bottle, slowly, delicately "The Force or Casey?"

Maura frowned. She was definitely talking about the force, especially after a day like today. Her mind drifted back to a few hours before where she watched Frost and Tommy get dragged out of a collapsing building. She thought the question was obvious, but Jane clearly had other things on her mind so she shrugged and gave Jane the choice "Answer the question you want to answer"

Jane rolled her head to the side catching Maura's eyes and just like she always did – unless talking about science – she read between the lines "I've thought about quitting the force yes. I would do anything for Casey"

And just like that, Maura's world – like the building – came crashing down. "Yes, love does that to you" she said. But what she really wanted to say was _He hasn't been there for you. He always left when things got hard. He's not right for you. _She finished with "It can turn your life around"

Silence engulfed the room again and Mara let her mind flash back, her stomach crunching as she remembered how terrified she was to learn that Frost, Tommy and TJ were trapped. It was, however, when she realised Jane was prepared to do anything to get them out that she threw up. Jane, who would go in and risk her life for her brother, her partner, her nephew, Jane her best friend who could have died once again, helping someone else, had set the fear lose in her body, had turned her insides out.

"Would you leave for Ian?" Jane inquired, breaking through the silence and squeezing her foot.

Maura answered without thinking. "No" she stated and shook her head _but I would for you, I would do anything for you. _Her mind drifted and she squinted her eyes until they shut and pressed her fingers against the side of her head. She had to stop these thoughts, right now. They only came back when something bad happened, something really bad that could endanger Jane's life. Each time they came back, each time something happened they would get stronger and pull at her chest until it physically hurt. A day like today mixed with Casey's return was sending her crazy and while she was trying to do the right thing, while she _was_ doing the right thing, she could feel her heart breaking into pieces inside.

"You don't love Ian?"

"I" she stuttered. When she let her eyes open they found inquisitive brown ones staring right back. It made her swallow hard. "Ian's the best of a bad bunch" she answered honestly. It was true, sort of. Ian was a good guy, a nice guy and if it wasn't for the fact she had her feelings for Jane buried deep within her that popped up whenever they felt like it, Ian would have been the right guy. But she hadn't left the force or Boston to be with him. She hadn't left Jane.

Jane grinned "Maybe you just like the bad boy Maur"

"Meaning?"

"Ian" She paused then raised one eye brow "Tommy?"

Maura chucked her pillow at Jane's head and shook her own "Tommy is a nice guy" _His got your eyes, your attitude, your badass-ness; you taught him to play chess and gave him a beautiful mind. But he is definitely not you. _

"Yeah, he is getting soft" Jane laughed "Never thought I would see him grow up, never mind become a farther"

_Not as soft as you _

Maura only nodded in reply. She pulled her feet back and sat up; crossing them beneath her thigh "You're good with kids"

"You seem surprised" Jane drank from her bottle once more, finishing it completely after a couple of sips. Maura remained quiet, she knew Jane, knew there was more to that sentence and after a moment, after picking at the right hand corner of the label on her bottle she continued. "I like family; I like Tommy and Frankie, Ma and TJ. I would do anything for them. Sometimes I feel like I helped bring Tommy and Frankie up. You know" She pauses resting her bottle on the table and standing quickly, she reaches the fridge and unscrewed the cap off of a new bottle before leaning on the counter. "They learnt from me"

"They admired you" Maura clarified. She patted the sofa next to her "Come sit back down"

Jane did as she was told. Stretching her legs out over the other arm of the sofa and resting her head in Maura's lap. It was normal, natural for them to be close. They were best friends, this is what best friends did and even when Maura leaned forward brushing a piece of Jane's hair out of her face and kissed her on the forehead she told herself, It was what friends do. Jane didn't seem to mind.

"I'd do anything for you to Maur" Jane held her eyes closed and Maura was thankful she did. She knew she wouldn't be able to hide the blush that crept through her face. She made sure her fingers didn't tremble or stop their small strokes on Jane's tense shoulders as she continued "Your family too."

_Would you quit for me? _Maura bit her tongue to stop the words from tumbling out. Partly because the question wasn't fair, partly because she was scared the answer would be no. "Do you admire me too?" Jane asked pealing one eye open and peeking at Maura.

_I love you. _She swallowed, hard. "Yes" she stated, stilling her hands on Jane's shoulder before withdrawing them completely "Yes, you're an admirable person. I love you" She froze. Jane's other eye opened and a small frown appeared; she opened and closed her mouth as Maura's heart beat widely in her chest. She wondered if Jane could hear it. "I mean, I love you and your family. You're a beautiful family" she continued, pushing her slip up to one side.

Jane clamped her mouth shut, closed her eyes and smiled. "Love you too Maur" she reached out and grabbed hold of Maura's hand giving it a squeeze and dragging it down to rest on her stomach.

_This is heaven _Maura thought, leaning back and closing her own eyes.

Jane continued "You're family too and if you did want to date Tommy, although it would be weird. He couldn't chose anyone better than you"

_This is hell _Maura sighed and squeezed her hand back because even if she could find any words, they would come out broken.

They would never be enough.

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**Well, that's the prologue guys. Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.**

**Thanks**


	2. Chapter 2

Maura wonders if she should tell Jane, or for a better use of words, when she should tell Jane. She thought about telling her last night, when they lay on the sofa, hands intertwined, but she knew she couldn't do it, couldn't deepen the pain that already flashed in her dark hazel eyes. Tommy was already in hospital, her partner was injured and the love of her life had gone away, how long for was anybody's guess.

Maura didn't like to guess, but her instincts told her it could be forever, her medical knowledge allowed her to conclude that even if Casey made it through the operation he wouldn't return. If he couldn't face Jane semi broken, he wouldn't face her paralyzed.

It left her feeling conflicted, terrible in fact. Was she a bad person for not wanting him to come home? She didn't want to see the hurt in Jane's eyes anymore if he came back and then left.

So how could she tell Jane, now of all times, that she would have to have an operation too. That although her operation would only be small, she would also remain in hospital for a few days and she would not be at her side at work for a minimum of two weeks, if not three. Of course, she wasn't going to have surgery right the way. She would have to complete a medical, surgical and psychosocial examination before any operation could take place. But how could she tell Jane when she was already worrying about so many people she loved. How would she explain to Jane that she too, would be out of action for a while if Casey didn't make it through today with the miracle Jane wanted, or worse, if he didn't make it through today at all?

She hated Casey for making her head feel like a prisoner with no visitors. Her thoughts and actions locked away from her best friend.

Worse still, she hated herself for hating Casey. A guy who, to her had not – at least physically - done anything wrong. He had claimed his love to Jane, claimed not proven, or supported, or...

Maura trailed off, comparing didn't matter. Her feelings didn't matter. They would go away. They had to.

* * *

She thought about calling Jane. Thought about it in the morning when she first woke up, alone, on the sofa where she was left last night. Jane must have gone after she fell asleep, or before she had woken up and just the thought of Jane staying all night made her blush. She doesn't call, thinks she will see her in a couple of hours anyway in the cafe at work when she stops to get her green tea, and seeing Jane in person, weather in work or not, would always beat talking to her over the phone.

Jane wasn't in the café in the morning, nor did she come down to the morgue and by dinner time, when Maura checked the café again, and found it empty, she started to worry. She considered ringing Angela but knew she would be at Tommy's side at the hospital, so she considered taking the lift up to the detective's office but it didn't feel right. If Jane wanted her, she would have come down and seen her. She would have requested Maura's presence just like every other time in the past. Running out of options she made her way to the café's exit when she felt a soft hand grab at her arm.

Frankie stood next to her. Called out her name sheepishly and flashed her a small but genuine smile. "I never got to thank you" he said, letting his hand drop from her elbow down to his side. Maura opened and then closed her mouth; she felt her eyebrows scrunch up in confusion and Frankie must have noticed too when he continued "For going with Jane, you know, into the tunnel, for finding T.J and my brother"

Maura nods, but doesn't say anything. _Your welcome_ doesn't quite feel right, she didn't do anything super human and if she is honest with herself, Jane was the one that lead the way, Jane was the reason she was down there, Jane was the reason she was accepted into the Rizzoli family. "How are they all doing?" she asks, instead.

Frankie's eyes are brown, like Jane's, but they are softer than hers. He hasn't seen or been through as much pain as Jane has, she thinks and wonders if it's because Jane protected him, as kids, as adults, as colleagues in BPD.

"Better, T.J is with his mum now, his fine, the car protected him from the dust. Tommy has a concussion but his enjoying the attention of the nurses." Frankie smiled "Frost is in the office"

Maura stepped back in surprise "His not had any time off?"

Frankie shrugs "Wanted to come back on light duties" He stands up from his seat and before Maura can speak again Frankie steps in "Have you seen Jane about? I thought she was at the hospital but mum said she left this morning?"

Maura swallowed but tried not to let her panic show. _Jane wasn't in work _her mind raced. She wanted to tell Frankie about Casey, about his operation, about him leaving and taking a piece of Jane with him but it occurred to her that bar Jane, the Rizzoli family probably didn't know. They had gone through enough in the past 48 hours and weather Jane wouldn't be the kind of person to put more pressure on them so she shook her head and excused herself, running back to the lab before Frankie could ask anything else.

* * *

She shoved her paperwork into folders and shuffled them under her arm. She cleaned up the morgue enough for it to look acceptable but not sparking clean as she would normally like, she grabbed her on call cell phone from the desk draw and left the office unnoticed. It was on her walk to her car that she finally rang Jane, and heard her answer after one ring.

Her voice was shape, quick, stern "Rizzoli"

It threw her off balance "Jane it's me, its Maura" she explained, fumbling with her keys in the car door.

"Oh" Jane answered softly and Maura tried not to let the shooting pain that pierced her heart at Jane's disappointment affect her.

"I'm coming over" She stated, settling inside her car and fastening her belt. She rested her phone between her shoulder and ear as she fastened her seatbelt. What she wanted to say was _I will always be here for you; I will never leave you like he did._

"It's ok Maura, you don't have to do that" Jane almost mumbled. Maura wondered if her voice was low because she didn't have the energy to fight, or because she was trying to hold in tears.

"I want to" Maura replied. She turned on the engine and grabbed the phone again _I want to and I need to, I need to see you, I need to hold you. _She clenched her eyes tight. It wasn't the time to put her needs first. Jane was hurting, Jane needed her. "I'll be there soon."

When Jane replied with a small "Thanks" Maura had already left the parking lot.

* * *

Jane had tear streaks down both sides of her face, her hair was slightly matted at the back, her eyes were darker with small circles underneath, she clearly hadn't gotten any sleep and if Maura wasn't thinking how she still look incredibly beautiful she would have kicked herself for not staying up with her last night.

They didn't need words. That was one of the things Maura loved about their friendship, _their bond. _Sometimes words were not necessary, sometimes a hug was enough.

She gathered Jane into her arms as soon as she stepped foot into her apartment and walked her over to the couch. It was easy, comfortable; _it was beautiful_ the way Jane held on to her, the way Jane opened up to her by letting the tears come. Maura knew she should feel honoured that they had this friendship, this connection that Jane didn't have with anybody else. She should feel privileged that Jane has let her see her cry, let her hold her when her body shook, let her stroke her fingers through her hair and kiss the top of her head.

Maura did feel all of those things, but she also felt pain and anger and as she pulled Jane even closer to her, she felt, weather it was right or wrong, betrayed.

She wanted to tell Jane it was ok, that everything was going to be alright but the words wouldn't form and the lie wouldn't be voiced. She didn't lie, never would to Jane and so she couldn't say the words to calm her friend. She didn't know what would happen to Casey so instead she nuzzled her head into the top of Jane's and whispered _"_I've got you_, _I'm here for you, I won't leave you"

As Jane's body calmed in her arms, she stayed quiet and Maura didn't ask. Didn't ask why she was here alone or how Casey's operation had gone. She could guess from the way she answered the phone that Jane hadn't heard anything yet. So she didn't ask, she just held her, drew circles on her back and waited with her best friend, with the woman she loved.

It was only in the midst of silence that Maura realised, everything she said, everything she did to calm Jane down, was everything Casey didn't.

She hated him. He could die.

_You're a bad person_

She hated herself.

She loved Jane.


End file.
